He loves me, he loves me not...

This isn't a tale from the closet as such, only the closet of love.

In all honesty, I never feel quite comfortable baring my soul for the whole world to read. That's to say on the off chance that anyone in the world happens to stumble upon any of my blogs and chooses to read someone else's mental dribble.

At present, I do however have a need to get what I feel off my chest in the hopes that I can digitize it, leave it here, and walk away.

How to say what I want to say? Where to start? Why bother? Where do babies come from?

That last question will probably remain a mystery to most gay men forever. Phew! Lucky us!

The problem is this; I think I'm in love. I've been trying to deny it in the hopes of being able to supress it. For a change it's not some metrosexual bastard, he's gay too, and the most special guy I've ever had the fortune of meeting. Or misfortune. You see, I know I really like him - he's a very attractive man, he's got his head screwed on right and as far as I can tell he's not promiscuous and actually has moral values he manages to stick to - but I can't figure out how he feels about me.

I'm getting mixed signals. But then, I'm trying to play it all cool and therefore giving off mixed signals as well, I guess. I know it's not lust, because I imagine running my hand through his hair, hugging him, or gently carressing his cheek rather than... well... other parts of his anatomy. And those eyes... eyes to get lost in for the rest of my days.

He's about 8 years younger than me - I think - which is almost half a century in gay years, so I'm unsure whether he would deem me as fresh enough merchandize... truth be told, part of why I started weight training a bit more than a year ago was so that I could at least be 'worthy' of him physically.

You can tell from that that it's been coming on for a while - he's gotten back together and broken up with his worthless ex in the time I've known him (I chose to wait) - and that it runs so deep that I am willing to change to become the man I imagine I need to be. I know I'm by no means unattractive, and physically I may have experienced a dip a few years ago due to the whole tumor incident, but I've never been in BAD shape... another aspect of my taking up the weight training was to pre-emptively compensate for any mental side-effects that the aforementioned incident may have had on me. A large part of it was luckily also a simple desire to better myself.

I know I've not been the most angelic of people, although many seem to see me as almost Saint-like. I'm just another human that makes my own mistakes, and tries to learn from them, but I know as far as being a 'catch' is concerned I do actually qualify.

I'm rambling.

Basically I've decided to get together with him for a drink and to tell him exactly how I feel. If he wishes to reject me then that is preferable to pining after someone that I could never have. If it turns out I have a chance then the mixed signals can end and I can float on a cloud of euphoria.

Most gay men seem unable to understand the fact that I'm not interested in the least in the next quick shag. I want to love and be loved in return. To be loved by someone you love; that is truly the greatest thing.